Well, there is the fact that people sometimes misrepresent themselves in the cloak of invisibility the Internet provides. "Sometimes" is probably a gross understatement. When I began research on this subject, my friend Al~ advised me that the young women I might meet in the Internet "chat" rooms are not always young and, in fact, are not always women. It seems just as likely that any one of them might be a 53-year-old male, getting in touch with his feminine side.

You've heard the horror stories, where people meet in chat rooms, carry on an email romance, exchange photographs, either by email or snail mail, and then, when they meet in real space, they find that one or both have misrepresented themselves. Often they have sent a photograph of themselves when they were younger, or perhaps a photograph of someone else entirely!

The ultimate sort of gross misrepresentation was reported just recently in the news. It seems a young woman met a fellow in an Internet chat and, after the usual exchanges, they met, had a whirlwind romance followed by an engagement and a large, family wedding, only to discover on the honeymoon that the "groom" was indeed another woman! She had wrapped her breasts tightly against her chest with a wraparound bandage which, she explained, was because of a recent auto accident. Can you imagine the embarrassment of the bride and her family? This was an Internet romance from the dark side of the Web.

Another friend told me she discovered that the same guy, using two different "handles," was romancing (online) both her and her mother. They had only one computer, so they were never online at the same time. They finally figured out that both of their boyfriends seemed to know the same things; in reality the man had failed to keep his multiple personalities from overlapping.

Other than that, there's really nothing wrong with meeting someone on the Internet. In fact, the cloak of invisibility is also responsible for one of the positive aspects of meeting people online. It allows people to be other than their everyday selves. It's recreational, creative role-playing, and allows people to experiment with behavior which would certainly be difficult, if not impossible, to conduct face-to-face. For example, a man couldn't begin to understand how a woman would feel in a social situation unless he could "be" the woman in a "blind" social interaction. A word of warning, however: the donning of multiple personalities can become an obsession, so one should be careful to indulge in it sparingly. Like wine, it can become intoxicating and interfere with our real lives.

Meeting people on the Internet has some distinct advantages over meeting people through more direct introductions, especially formal ones. It allows personal interaction between people without the risks of physical contact. It allows one to fail, and then "come back" as a different person, improving social skills in the process. This column is not about dating, however, although there is always the underlying factor of our gregarious nature. (That means we think about sex a lot.)

Pen pals have enjoyed that juvenile pastime since before the post office was established, sending their messages in previous times by household servants, when they would not have been allowed to meet anyone in person outside their family. Romeo and Juliet, Miles and Priscilla ("Why don't you speak for yourself, John?") are examples from literature. Also, since they're usually remote, pen pals can be of the same or opposite sex, younger or older, of different cultures, races, religions, or continents. But wait a minute...doesn't all that apply to Internet chat?

You see, when you meet someone in real space (as opposed to cyberspace), you get what's called a first impression. And you know how accurate those are...NOT! Based on the person's voice, language, mannerisms and appearance, we form an image of the person, which may or may not represent the inner personality. The real person may even be hiding behind an image contrived to defend themselves, socially. At best, a personal introduction can be tense, until one feels "comfortable" with another.

Andre Agassi once said, "Image is everything." Then he disproved that by cutting his hair, becoming a nice guy, and continuing to win tennis tournaments. Image is nothing on the Internet. In cyberspace we have no apparent age, race, weight, height, hair or skin color. Strip away all these image elements, and your personality is exposed for what it is. The real you may be "seen" on the Internet without any first impressions. This is a sort of freedom—freedom from the everyday constraints of our physical social world.

On Internet chat, the only first impressions are from the "nick" (nickname), or "handle," which you select. When you enter a chat room, usually your handle will be posted in a sidebar, letting everyone in the room know that you are "there." A person you meet in Internet chat may lie like a rug, but on the other hand, they are much more likely to say what's on their mind than they would if you met in real space. I found it interesting, in my research for this column, that often the first thing a person asks is "how old?" (You learn to type in "chat" form, so as to avoid too many keystrokes and speed up the exchange.) Age is important, as a lot of young people visit the chat rooms for several reasons. First, they have computers, Internet access and are often more computer-savvy than their parents. Second, they are curious about everything, and unafraid because they are physically located in the safety of their rooms. And they want to chat with people their own age, generally. Some chat rooms provide separate rooms for different age groups. If you're curious, you can always drop in and see what the kids are talking about.

So perhaps the best thing about Internet chat is that you are free to be whomever you'd like to be! We had a William J. Clinton in one of my favorite rooms a while ago. I don't suppose it was really him, of course, but we had a lot of fun giving him hell about not inhaling.

If you are serious about finding people on the Net that you might like to meet in person, you'll do better to be honest from the start, so you don't end up getting a surprise on your honeymoon! Use common sense about meeting strangers, even if you're sure you have found your soul mate in cyberspace. Take precautions! For example, don't agree to meet someone alone, in a strange place. Meet the first time in a public place, during daylight hours, in a group, or at least have a friend along. And don't go anywhere with a stranger. You might have different destinations in mind. But your mother told you all of this, right?

Now, you don't want to meet just anyone, of course. So how do you narrow your search? Best thing is to chat with people who have similar interests. Some chat sites have different rooms for special interest groups, and there are interactive newsgroups on every subject you could imagine (and several you wouldn't want to). First, let's look at some reasons to chat, and then we'll examine how to do it, with some hot links to get you started. Finding long-lost relatives may not have occurred to you, but that's one of the reasons for surfing the Web, reported by LoriG, co-founder of the Engineer's Anonymous Web site.

Here are a couple of reasons to surf the Web, in LoriG's own words:

1. Finding your long-lost relatives

This is a story that always amazes people new to the Web: I found a cousin on the Internet. I discovered the Rand Genealogy Club's Web page and typed my mother's maiden name into their surname search. The entry that I found was for my mother! Since it was the only entry under that name, I realized that the original poster must be on my father's side of the family. After a few more searches, I narrowed down the leg of the family and sent out an email to the searcher. Turns out we are 2nd cousins (or something like that): her grandmother and my grandfather were siblings. We now correspond via email.

2. Meeting friends who have similar interests

One of my biggest time-consuming hobbies (besides surfing the Internet) is stitching. I do a lot of counted thread embroidery. There are tons of resources on the Web for this hobby. Lots of designers and talented individuals with good advice. I started joining in the conversation on the rec.crafts.textiles.needlework newsgroup. It is exciting to find people who have the same interests and are very much like me. I have met several of the "cyberstitchers" in real space at stitching shows and, thanks to that group, I have found a local stitching group to share my hobby with.

Lori mentioned how nice it is to find people who have similar interests, and this is an amazing thing, because people who have similar tastes in one area often find they have other common interests. My favorite interactive Web site has been the "Conference Room" at KSCA, a Los Angeles radio station. Since I was formerly a recording engineer, I enjoy talking with others who have more than a passing interest in popular music. We have enjoyed this site for the past two years, and quite a number of the regulars from that room have met socially, in real space, at live-music events sponsored by the radio station, and at members' homes. It has been amazing how many other common interests this group shares, based on their similar tastes in music. For example, this group discovered that many of the regular listeners to the AAA (adult-album- alternative) music format are also Monty Python fans. About eighty percent of those polled agreed, and several could recite the dialog from a number of the skits. For you other Python heads, visit the official Monty Python Web site. Don't give up; remember this is Monty Python. Try the fake "continue" button again. <heh> <heh>

Unfortunately, by the time you read this, radio station KSCA and its "Conference Room" will be gone, the station having recently been sold to an all-Spanish-language broadcasting conglomerate. It is expected that the Web site will be shut down sometime after February 1. One of the musicians who frequents "the yellow room" (so called because of its bright yellow background), wrote a song about the end of the Conference Room. It's called "File Not Found," by Shaun A. Mason, and performed by his group, "The Gutter Swans." (It will be on their new CD.)

Different Types of Chat

In the beginning of the Internet, there was USENET, which allowed posting of messages and provided the first forum for Internet communication between individuals. This led to today's modern newsgroups. For this, you need a program to read (and write to) newsgroups. The newest versions of both Netscape Navigator and Microsoft's Internet Explorer have built-in news readers, and your Internet access provider should have a news server of its own. I recommend the Forte program "Free Agent." Keep in mind that newsgroups don't provide real-time chat. It's more like you read an article or comment that's been posted about the subject, and you can post a reply. The person who posted the original will not see your response until the next time they read that newsgroup; however, it's conducive to more serious discussions than the light, quick banter of real chat.

This is where you find the "rec." (for recreation) newsgroups, for subjects of interest to you. This is where you would find the rec.crafts.textiles.needlework group that LoriG recommended, if you're a quilter. There are networks within networks out there, folks, and maybe a hundred thousand newsgroups, or more; no one's counting, except the Media Lab at MIT, of course.

Internet Relay Chat (IRC)

There are several programs that you can download for free from the Internet, which allow you to access the servers which support this format. This has been the most popular format for Internet chat, but technology moves very quickly in Internet software development. It's much faster than the changes in prerecorded music, which took several years to go from 78 rpm to 45, then to 33 1/3, then tape cassette, now CD, tomorrow DAT and MDD. In only the past two years, Internet software has gone from Lynx to Netscape Communicator, and that difference is as great as that between silent films and the latest wide-screen technorama. A lot of people still use IRC (or the British equivalent, mIRC), including my brother-in-law, who typically chats with at least six people at a time, in six separate windows, on three or four different subjects. This is truly multi-tasking chat software. Being a golf nut, er, golfer, you can usually find him in a room called "HoleIn1." If you go there, tell him I said hello, and that his wife would like him to come to dinner.

TelNet, DALnet, Undernet and more...

There are several other networks for Internet chat, but I must confess I have been unable to connect to some of them. The new Netscape Communicator comes with a telnet program built in, and I have also downloaded WinTel32 (a free introductory copy, good for four hours online). After that, they want you to pay $40—not a bad price, but I can't get it to connect to any of the networks. Maybe I'll have to read the instructions. I thought all these new programs were supposed to be learned intuitively.

Dedicated Chat Sites on the World Wide Web

In addition to the various networks above, there are a number of sites on the Web that provide excellent chat rooms, several dedicated to special interests such as sports or television. For these you need only your Web browser, such as Netscape "Navigator" or Microsoft's "Internet Explorer." I am grateful to my friend "tenter" for researching these sites. She certainly knows where the chat's at.

1. WebChat Broadcasting System: Several themed conferences. You can set up a free account there, as with most chat servers, just by entering your email address. Don't worry; they won't send you a lot of email. It's only a means to limit each subscriber to one account. It's also for "security." There is free speech on the Internet, but a modicum of civility is required. If you're really obnoxious, your account will be terminated, and you will not be able to enter the site unless you change your email address. Some chat servers allow you to select unlimited handles; some limit each email address to a certain number (perhaps eight handles). It may not be possible to change them, so you are advised to select them carefully. Each of the following chat servers operate somewhat differently; you will find the ones whose styles you prefer.
2. 100 Hot Live Audio Web Sites: This is a list of chat sites on the Web. It's a big list, so I haven't been able to check out all of them. There are actually more than 100.
3. NFL.COM: This is a chat room dedicated to the National Football League. You get to pick an NFL helmet to wear (it becomes your icon). Don't throw any passes in here!
4. ChannelChat!: This is "Channel Chat," where you can join various groups talking about different aspects of television programming, revisit your favorite series room, etc. But who watches TV now that we have the Internet?
5. Firefly: Music, movies, and other themed chat rooms. You can receive mail here whether you're online or not, and leave messages for other members. You can set up your own (on-site) home page, put your picture on the wall, and you can send "whispers" to other members, which only they can see. Firefly offers a large mainframe database of popular music and movies. Once you enter your favorites, Firefly can recommend other artists or films you might like, and you can find members who like the same music or movies you do.
6. CHAT HOUSE: This is the favorite chat room of my teenage friend, Ben18. He has met a girl in this room who's from Ohio, and since he's in California, they shouldn't get into too much trouble. This is a typical chathouse with numerous rooms bearing funny names like "The Hot Tub" and "The Brick Outhouse." That's all there is, but for some reason these rooms are always full of chatty people.
7. Space Bar: This Web page is a "front door" to telnet://spacebar.com:7227, where you can leave messages and join up to 99 channels after your free membership is verified (this takes two or three days). This is a West Coast (Bay area) group, primarily. Many have what you might call "suggestive" handles, and they believe in freedom of speech. However, even in this open forum, you are warned that if you are too obnoxious, you will find yourself out of the room.
8. Vtropolis: This Web page is a front door to telnet://davinci.spcc.com. I haven't been able to get past the front door, so you'll have to try this one on your own. (Do you suppose someone warned them about me?)
9. Ticketmaster Chat: This is Ticketmaster's chat room. They like to keep track of what their customers are saying about concert tickets, which is their business.
10. telnet://hyperreal.com:7283: If you're really far out (musically, I mean), you might wish to try this telnet chat site featuring discussion of techno and ambient music, with sound clips and alternative culture tips.

You do want to know about this, even if the idea doesn't appeal to you. When you're in a chat room and someone whispers in your ear (they call it that—it means they send a message only you can see), and they ask you if you would like to join them in a private chat, you can bet they don't want to talk about the weather where you are, at least not after the first couple of questions. You know, some people get undressed real quickly, and others like to do it more slowly, like a striptease. You get the idea.

Cybersex happens when two (or more) people chat in a "private" window, and more or less let their imaginations dictate what they would say, and do, if they were in the same room in physical space. It's a form of sexual fantasy, but before you condemn the Internet for being a purveyor of smut, you should remember that sex was around long before the digital age, and sexual fantasy is included in the panoply of our sexual nature. Perhaps cybersex fills a void in these perilous times: it replaces the family car on lover's lane as the popular domain for curious youngsters to learn about sex. Cybersex is certainly safe, in the physical sense, and no one has gotten pregnant as a (direct) result of it. Whether it's "healthy" or not is being determined by academic types at MIT's Media Lab, where they actually study this sort of thing. (You didn't think those chat rooms were really private, did you? Probably more like an ant farm, only there may be more people watching than being watched.)

I tried cybersex, in the interest of research for this column, of course. I met a young woman named AcIdCrAsH (I asked her about the nick; she said she wasn't into psychedelics, it was just to get attention). She said she was 29, only a few years my junior, since I said I was 34. Many I met were too many years my junior. Previously, when I met another young woman from Virginia (who loved her horses), she admitted being "under 18." When I suggested that we could get arrested, she promptly replied "not for cybersex!"

To spare you the details (this is a family Webzine!), let me just say that I didn't find cybersex very exciting, and hardly stimulating. Maybe my imagination isn't working properly, I don't know. I must apologize to AcIdCrAsH, because normally I don't kiss and tell, but if you're reading this, it wasn't your fault, really. She said it was good for her, so I must have said the right things. Seriously, I just didn't get it. I should tell you that I do appreciate pin-ups, or "calendar art," which is more visual, and I can imagine that I would find "phone sex" somewhat exciting. (I've never tried it, only because I haven't been asked to write about it.) Even erotic literature, if it's well written, can stimulate my imagination, but I don't get any excitement from reading four-letter words typed on the screen by someone I can't see, hear, or hope to touch. Obviously many people do enjoy this pastime, so you'll have to try it yourself before you'll know if it's for you.

So is it O.K. to meet someone in person that you've "met" on the Internet???

A lot more commercial Web sites will be featuring chat rooms, or conference rooms, in order to benefit from the feedback. Interactive media at work! When you meet people who have common interests, as LoriG did with the quilters, and as I have done with the music group, it is only natural that after a while you will wish to meet in person. This will be much easier if you have been honest in the chat room, of course. The nicest thing about meeting people with whom you've been in touch with online for some time is that you really feel like you've known them very well for a long time, closer than you would have if you had met in person first, and known each other for a similar period of time. It's the lack of image, and the freedom to say what we really feel when you're not staring each other in the eyes. The intimidation of personal confrontation is missing, and people really act like they would like to. After a while, you really get to know one another, and when you meet in person, you're already past the first impression.

So, what are you waiting for? Get out there and meet some nice people. Find a group that's interested in something you would like to talk about; listen for awhile, and then let them know how you feel about it. It's a great place to come out of your shell!

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